This _didn’t_ just take a moment…

AGE OF 28.*

* over and above the normal crap we’ve come to expect.

(As regaled by a woman with a self-proclaimed black belt in relationships.)

I have learned that you want to be friends with your boyfriends’ friends. And if your efforts don’t work, that’s not good. (It’s strangely comforting to know that when you might break up, they’ll tell him what a knob he was to lose you.)

That he doesn’t shout at you in public, doesn’t make you get a Brazilian every month, and shouts you the odd excessive gift isn’t something to be grateful for, it should be The Law.

You ALWAYS need to have your own independent support group. The kind of people you can rely on to hold your hair back whilst the consequences of drowning your sorrows take place.

Boys don’t like to feel responsible for your solitary friendship, even if that’s not the case. (And even if that’s a major perk of being in a relationship in the first place. Go figure.)

Hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but aforementioned fury will affect your health, your hair and your facial complexion. And your ability to smell the roses.

Impotence is not conducive to intimacy. And please don’t kid yourself that it isn’t personal. (Especially if it’s not lager-related.) After all, men think about sex every 6 seconds, right?

Never go to bed angry.

Keep a “Back Up In Reserve Guy.” Reality or fantasy, whatever works for you. (Infidelity is however never advisable.)

If it feels too good to be true, it is.

“GSOH” means Good Sense Of Humour. It’s no wonder it’s womens’ #2 Top Requirement. (#1 goes unsaid.)

Don’t try to make yourself seem weak to make him seem strong.

If your parents don’t trust him with their “precious cargo”, that warrants some looking into. (Unless of course, that was the desired effect.)

Don’t blur the lines between The Rebound and The One.

You may find angry music, exercise, red wine and flirting with harmless creatures at the deli most helpful in times of need.

A boy who smokes weed most days, has delusions of rock ‘n roll grandeur and waiter’s as his day job is not ever going to be featured in the Financial Times. Or at least, we can be 99% sure of this fact.

It’s not bullshit- if he doesn’t like his Mum or his sister, he’s weird.

If he’s hurt you and you’re crying (Miss Waterworks need not apply) and he says he’s got somewhere else he needs to be, that’s grounds for dismissal. Always.

Resist the urge to throw his guitars over the balcony and set his 1994 Levi’s alight in a drunken fit of histrionics. It’ll just make you look like the biotch his friends were saying you were.

If he’s been unfaithful, you will never entirely get over it. Truth.

If he is secretive and it hurts, run.

Boys nights and Girls nights are essential.

If you are resorting to other sources (men, tobacco, Facebook, chocolate, whiskey, work) to fill the gaping hole in your relationship, sort it out.

It might just be you, not him.

Don’t talk about your exes too much. Boys don’t seem to like this. Even if he knows and is present when if you’re friends with them all and have them around for dinner.

Avoid making more money than he does. And, if you do, deny, deny, deny.

You need to feel proud walking down the street with him on your arm.

Never invest more than you can afford to lose.

It’s a cliché, and you’re going to cringe, but you know it’s true- you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.

And keep loving yourself- it’s not selfish, it’s how all humans have to roll.

It really helps if he likes the same music as you do.

If you’re not sexually compatible, it’s going to be crap. Some would argue that getting sex out of the way as soon as possible may be necessary.

He needs to know how to say and show sorry. There’s no getting out of this in life.

Always have spare money stashed away safely for a rainy day.

Males don’t like sentences that start with “Can we chat?”. Female translation: “Up for cleaning the gutters?”.

Boys don’t like shopping- if they humour you, they’re lying, or worse, hoping for something for free.

Careful what you say when you argue. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a Court of Raw.

If he doesn’t believe in a Higher Power, it’s probably not going to go anywhere. (Especially not heaven. Haha.)

Never lie about how many people you’ve slept with.

Don’t assume. It’s how perpetual washing, cleaning and trying to be a Domestic Goddess happen, and one day you explode. He didn’t ask- but wasn’t complaining either.

If he recycles underwear, you have permission to leave at any time.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Sometimes men are useless. The sooner we accept this fact, the better.

Relationships are supposed to feel good, if not awesome. Don’t look so confused- you seem to have forgotten all about this concept.

An online romance is not normal. Sorry.

Know and let it be known what your ‘dealbreakers’ are.

A dude who sometimes opens the door for you/straightens your shirt/doesn’t flirt with randoms/tells you when you look pretty is a requirement. When did this become an optional extra?

Boys need to know what they’re good at, want to do with their lives and where they want to go, in order to conduct a healthy relationship- further negotiations unnecessary.

Some jealousy is alright, a lot isn’t.

Respect the man. If you don’t anymore, just go.

If he’s just not that into you anymore, you’ll live. There are plenty of fish who can swim.

If he’s never travelled further than Botswana or Uitenhage, and you have, it’s going to be frustrating for all time.

If he’s got to 30 and never had a serious girlfriend, start worrying.

If it hasn’t worked despite your best efforts, pack your bags and leave, wearing your best Jimmy’s and your head held high. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Be grateful, some people never get to experience the sheer and utter pulverising Hell that is love.

The gut is the Guru, and the gut doesn’t lie. Period.

2 Responses to “This _didn’t_ just take a moment…”

  1. Humorous yet truthful. I love it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: