Anyone mention “The Rules?”…

HOW TO PREVENT YOURSELF BEING PULVERISED BY THE MAN YOU LOVE, ADORE, ARE WILLING TO DROP 17 DRESS SIZES FOR.

RULE ONE: NEVER DATE A MAN HOTTER THAN YOU. Except that very rare breed, you know, the Very-Good-Looking-Boy-Who-Was-Raised-On-A-Farm-Without-Mirrors and you are girlfriend #1. (It won’t last, and the sex is likely to be atrocious.)

TWO: Understand that he is not responsible for your happiness, financial security, cellulite, PMT and his friends. (And when you’ve fully understood this, share it with me.)

THREE: See relationships as a delightful bonus in your life, not the sole reason you wake up in the morning… This concept is tantamount to shaving your head; renouncing caffeine, chocolate and alcohol; wearing a saffron curtain of fabric and trying to be a Zen Buddhist within the society we live in. It’s gonna be hard.

FOUR: Be hot for yourself, not for someone else. Wear that lingerie, your ridiculously red lipstick and your “Stripperella” heels. I know a woman who had implants, a facelift, lipo and changed her hair from black to blonde in order to please her husband. HELLO?! They got divorced (*shock*) and she has no idea who she is. And it’s turning out to be expensive to remove the silicone and find out…

FIVE: Know this- men have affairs not because of sex, but because of the emotional connection she gives that you aren’t. Ouch. In fact, women cheat for that reason too. Men don’t talk and communicate as easily as we do, and sometimes we talk and communicate excessively enough to make him feel unheard and henceforth turn to someone else. Also, as long as there are women without standards, there will be affairs. Aaaargh. My head hurts.

SIX: Don’t promise the World and deliver an Atlas. Are you the witty, gorgeous, vivacious, football-watching, lawn-mowing, ambitious, delicious person he fell for? Um, and is he?

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