The Big Three-Ohhh…

Everyone who knows me will tell you how I have always, always lied about my age. Instead of wearing baby pink lipstick and a push-up bra to seem younger, I have worn red lipstick, eyeliner and black-as-night nails to seem older.

This year, all that will change. Blowing out 30 candles on a crowded cupcake, it hit home that, well, I’ve…. “arrived”. I’m here, I’m adult, and, hot-darn, I’ve earned it.

Seeing as though this is a blog about relationships, and well, not shoe care and recipes, it’s my karmic duty to impart knowledge. (I’m now what folks consider “wise”, you see).

I’m sorta in a relationship. More like a “one day a week” arrangement. With a man. We have a relationship borne out of the comfort of knowing of each other for many years, being completely assured of each others’ total and utter dorkness, and knowing that we “see” each other. Not what you portray on a first date with a stranger, but that familiarity that ‘creeps’ up on you. I know what he looked like at age 16 wearing braces, so no amount of wearing G-Star jeans is going to mask it. I know him, and he knows me, complete with Y2K greenies fever and what I looked like on the front page of the newspaper when I started modelling. (Cringe).

We spoke about how despite the fact that we’re only just on the cusp of making it in this Universe, being older ‘emotionally’ feels, hmm, rather nice. He then said something to me which, 2 years ago, would have made me slap his head… “I love that you’re scarred. If you hadn’t been through shit in your life, I wouldn’t be able to feel the way I do about you”.

Shit in my life? Why would I be scared to admit that?

Let’s see… What would I want to share now (about dating) that I hadn’t known 2 years ago…?

#1) Never underestimate the importance of being unique. I was raised to be comfortable with being different. For a very short period, I would have given my two front teeth to be like everyone else in my class in private all-girls school. Thank God I didn’t- my two front teeth are awesome- in fact, I have since learned that a gap between your toothy pegs means “ferocious sexual appetite” in face-mapping theory. Haha.

#2) If you feel frumpy, crap and boring, you are. Sadly. You really shouldn’t date when you feel messy on the inside. How can someone else believe you’re awesome when you think you’re crap???

#3) No amount of re-arranging lies will make it truth. Damn straight. I have been a cheater, I’ve been cheated on. I’m happy about that. I will be neither, ever again. I know those roads, their potholes and the street-signs that take you down that route. Move right along…

#4) Knowing how to make a 4 course meal is ridiculously valuable. It might sound a touch Mad Men, but until the end of time, this will earn you points in luuurve. Aside from the fact that we as women need to eat, conquering the preparation of aforementioned meal in heels, mascara and leopard print will always be extremely maddeningly sexy. Fact.

#5) What you want and need in a relationship are likely not to change. Don’t pretend. Being a round peg in a square hole ain’t comfortable. We’ve all done it. Pretended to be Jane when we’re really, um, Cruella. Just stop it and be you.

#6) You will probably not be sexier, hotter and more desirable than you are now. If you can’t do anything about your 3rd nipple, get over it.

#7) Know what your dealbreakers are. This is a biggy for me. I have never been more comfortable telling someone what I won’t accept: infidelity, singing the wrong lyrics to songs, addiction, dishonesty, cruelty to animals, smoking in bed, poor dental hygiene, hating family members, collecting exes eyelashes etc etc.

#8) Have a 60-day rule. Before everyone clamours towards me with a machete, this is just “my” rule. I suppose it’s all very Warhol-esque to shag in the first date after meeting at The Assembly whilst under the influence, but, OMFW, I can think of nothing worse. I don’t want to think that anything worth having was easy to get.

#9) Equality rules. Its realllllly important to have someone be able to tell you when you’re being a stupid ass and to trust that they’re being honest. Your partner really has to be your best mate. No ifs and buts.

#10) To yourself be true. Don’t compare yourself to your friends. Listen to your gut. Continue to put your own happiness first (without hurting anyone else, of course) and don’t stop listening to that horrific Ibiza dance CD just because you’re in a relationship.

Trust me, I’m mature.

One Response to “The Big Three-Ohhh…”

  1. Welcome to the adult world… you’re doing just fine!

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