Archive for the Lessons Category

A Man in Uniform…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, Humor, Lessons, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , on July 21, 2013 by kondeeskaos

He’d just come back from London. It was 1998. He had a on a pair of Diesel Zathan’s, Nike Air Max, his Carharrt hoodie, Aigner fragrance he found in Venice, and a designer Toni & Guy haircut.

 This was my metrosexual Belgian born boyfriend and I on our 3rd date. My friends all teased me about his well-groomed coiffness.

Quiet and reserved, I had no idea if this man was still “in the wardrobe”.

And then we were driving, in his new leather seated BMW. It was still in the days when I drove (long long ago). We were on the way into the wild, for a friends wedding.

When… I carelessly drove over piece of jagged metal.

He, calm as a cucumber, said “That’s ok. I think I know what to do.”

Within minutes, my boyfriend went from a 90’s heroin chic looking model to ripsnorting hetero male.

“Oh my God I’m so sorry, is the tyre ok?”

“Ah yes, no problem. Luckily the army prepared me well”, he said.

We dated for 10 years. He is the most metrosexual man on Earth, I can be certain. He also knows how plugs from any continent work, other causes urine is useful for, how to use a tourniquet and how to stop a car whose brakes have failed.


I’m a South African woman in her 30’s, so that means I am familiar with my male family’s war stories, badges of honour, uniforms in storage and opinions on compulsory military service.


I’m all for it.


In fact, I should’ve been the face behind those WE WANT YOU! propaganda adverts.

I’m only half joking.

If I neatly and politely smoosh all my dating experiences into 2 categories, there’d be A) men who’ve served in the military and B) men who have not.

I haven’t dated nearly enough men younger than me (there’s still time) to pass fair judgement (is there ever a time to pass fair judgement?) but I have to concede there are some glaringly obvious differences:

1) Men who’ve “served” know how to wash and iron their clothes.

2) They also completely recognise the value of a can of baked beans, firewood, running water and folk music.

3) They are less arrogant.

4) They understand being a graphic designer holds no purpose in Real Life.

5) They don’t call in sick when their nose is running.

The rest is on a need-to-know basis.

That’s What He Said…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, Humor, Lessons, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , on June 24, 2012 by kondeeskaos

“I knew the minute I saw her. I was running, and I was concentrating. But she caught my eye, drew me like a magnet, and I had no choice… I had to know her. I had to find a way…”

I am on the edge of my seat, dying of excitement and anticipation. I am clutching my hands together, even though I know exactly how the story ends.

This is man I respect, someone devoid of bullshit, and that’s why this story is my new favourite.

“And then??? How did you do it?” I froth.

“Well, I found out her name. And then I was my charming self. Until she allowed me to take her on a date. In just over a week, she said yes to being my girlfriend.”

I swear I can see little red heart bubbles rising from him and bursting with twinkling sounds.

Thing is, I can bet my bottom dollar his lady love would be exactly the same, bursting with musical heart bubbles and glowing and divine.

I look at him and I realise, I LOVE SEEING IN LOVE PEOPLE. They’re like, the happiest, most ‘muchy’ version of themselves, like their life and soul is on maximum power, on fire, and they draw people to their warmth.

“So you KNOW, right? You just KNOW.” I confirm. “Yes, I knew very early.” He says. “HOW did you know?” I implore.

Before I continue, it’s important to note that this boy is not one of those annoying male friends who falls in love every 2 minutes (we all have THOSE).

“Well, you can only really fall in love, proper, when you are content in your skin, happy with who you are, and not on this desperate manhunt for just anyone.”

Deeply profound words uttered by a man who could rip Mike Tyson’s ear off if he really wanted to.

Deservability Complex…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, Heartbreak, Lessons, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , on June 10, 2012 by kondeeskaos

Just another typical girls night. Just another debrief with a fellow Monkey about life, love and shoes.

Conversation turns to some of our girlfriends, the ones who got sidetracked on the Love Highway with some, well, accidents.

We all have a right to make mistakes. Yes, some are bigger than others. And some keep repeating themselves like a bad steak and kidney pie.

Sea Monkey and I (aka Tree-swinging Monkey) made all our mistakes before we turned 30. Thank F?@*?!

We may be wiser, or we may be exhausted, can’t be certain.

We have a few girls in our Troupe who seriously need to stop mistaking. We’re talking men who can’t commit, infidelity, general douchebaggery and even abuse.

We have a friend whose situation is chronic. However, we can’t do a single thing. We’re well-versed in trying though. “I wish I could just kidnap her and cut off all her contact with him!!” Sea Monkey shrieks, grabbing her hair like a woman possessed. If I had a dollar for every time we said or thought this, I’d have a Bentley. My own private island, perhaps.

Why is it that we can’t get through to our friends who are apparently quite similar to us in most ways, excepting the addiction to heartache and drama?

I’ve thought about this extensively. For years, I’ve resigned it off as a type of addiction- like being an alcoholic or chain smoker. Everyone knows these habits will kill you, and yet we continue to be enslaved with a shrug and a defeated ‘I’ll give up someday’.

What makes a beautiful, intelligent woman (ANY woman, in fact) choose an unpleasant and addicted reality, a relationship fraught with stress, every day?

The common denominator in many of these friends is that they haven’t experienced real love, love without fear of reprisal, be that a father figure who exemplifies chivalry and love and affection for his daughters, or the love from a partner who would never hurt you on purpose and cares about you even if the relationship doesn’t work out; a relationship based on respect and equality.

This further proves to disprove my ‘misanderist’ charge. It’s taken great loves to know that I don’t need to be settling, and that love can be difficult, but not supposed to kill you.

You get what you settle for, and you receive the love you believe you deserve.

Stalker branches Out…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, Humor, Lessons, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , on May 20, 2012 by kondeeskaos

“No-one? I DON’T BELIEVE. You don’t fancy ANYone????”


Eeeeish. This girlfriend won’t give up without a fight.


No “oh no-one special” nonchalant shrugs. She wants the juicy goss.

So I risk it. The pathetic, gory truth.

“Well. YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE……” I look around my living room, expecting a paparazzo…

“I have liked the same person FOREVER”.

Girlfriend shuffles to the edge of her seat. “Yessssssss??”

“Well we met in a very strange way. Well, not ‘met’. We haven’t met. I kinda… well… he’s friends of friends. He kept writing these hilarious posts on a friends’ wall. So I looked on his Facebook profile. Not only is he bearded, but he’s gorgeous. And funny. And ironic. He’s kinda a nerd. Which I love. He’s well travelled. And has a great job. Which he loves. And he wears Adidas Samba’s.. you know, the limited edition ones from 1986.

Turns out he works 5mins from my place. And his favourite restaurant is just around the corner here. He loves Bukowski and Palahniuk. He put a rating on Dark Shadows on

He’s not a vegan and he’s never had children or been married. He was brought up in a small suburb and has a brother who lives overseas, he’s still friends with all his high school buddies and he hates hipsters. I suppose Sagittarians are a bit like that, hey?

He also belongs to a whisky appreciation club and supports local musicians. He went to that Stevenson exhibition last week, you know?? The lank cultured one…”

I look up at my girlfriend.

She says “Wow. Guess he didn’t read the Facebook Privacy settings memo.”



Third Eye…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, Humor, Lessons, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , on May 13, 2012 by kondeeskaos

I have two types of ‘taken’ male friends. Men whose girlfriends are wonderful and lovely and completely secure in their relationships…

And men whose girlfriends think that even when you’ve been friends with their guys since kindergarten, you still are just holding out for the day they’re single again.

I used to find women like this a real pain in the neck.

Then I bumped into a guy friend and his outrageously amazing lady at Mr Price.

Dude comes at me with a huge hug and a “OMAAGAAD heyyyyyyyy!!!” One of those hugs that go on for long enough to make his girl feel awkward. So, because I’m nice I give her a hug too. I mean there’s enough of me to spread around.

She appreciates the effort. I try hard to make conversation with her and make her feel comfortable. I’d want someone to do that for me.

Dude lunges into a full on diatribe… “So help me clothes shop here! I need your advice! You know me so well. You know what suits me…”

His lady-friend is feeling quite spare. I feel the loathing showered in my general direction.

Errr. I’m not quite sure how to handle this. With sheepskin-lined kid gloves maybe?

I’m surprised that my friend is insensitive to the presence of his girlfriend, and seemingly excluding her from our conversation. They’ve been together for a while; definitely a serious relationship.

He finishes the conversation by saying “Babes we must do a drink sometime, just you and me!”. What?! We never even used to do that, just a drink. Just the two of us. Dude be tripping.

After a few minutes that felt like an eternity, I somehow managed to climb out of the minefield unscathed… Leaving the other-worldly conversation feeling pissed off, embarrassed and disbelieving.

Firstly, I am by no means conceited enough to think that that conversation has anything to do with me. Or how insanely awesome I am. Clearly the man was trying to prove a point to his girlfriend and I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Which ensures that I now don’t consider that guy so nice anymore. What a jerk.

His strange behaviour made his girlfriend uncomfortable, and I’m sure he would’ve got into some sort of trouble from her later. (At least, I hope so.) Now she probably doesn’t like me, which is a real shame (not only because she has a collection of vintage clothing I was hoping of lending some time in the future).

So this little lesson has been most educational.

Next time I am in a situation like that, I am going to make sure I ask for the girlfriends’ number wayyyy before things get awkward, and invite her to my next girls night out. Yes boyfriends, you should be nervous.

Not Feeling It…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, Heartbreak, Humor, Lessons, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , , on April 8, 2012 by kondeeskaos

So many times. So many times I’ve said to a friend: “He’s just not that into you.”

When the shoe’s on the other foot it ain’t so comfy, hey?

I am lucky enough to have male friends who keep it real.

“Cands… no. I’m sorry you dry-cleaned your Marilyn Monroe outfit and made your Engagement Chicken. He is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.”

Too real.

So I have a lovely friend who will henceforth be known as “Ho Monkey”. Don’t ask.

I’m all like ‘OMF I REALLY LIKE HIM YO. I WANNA DATE HIM HARD AND LOVE THE SHIT OUTTA HIM!! Ho Monkey, you gotta help meeeeeee’. HM is all like ‘K cool so now when you invited him out what did he say yo?’ I’m like ‘well he said yes and then made an excuse at the last second’.

HM: ‘Hmmmm.’ Ominous Hmm.

Me: ‘And like, it’s always me making the move…’

HM: ‘Oh no babe. You gotta move fast.’

Gulp. Ho Monkey starts laying out the plan. Do this say this wear this.

Because I have suddenly, very inconveniently fallen for someone, well, extremely inconvenient, all shiny hazel eyes, beautiful feet, outrageous creative talent and amaaaaaazing manners, for about 10 minutes HM’s plan sounded like a goer.

Somewhere in between the “wear that R1900 Chanel fragrance” and “do NOT wear your granny undies”, when HM was briefing me in exact detail how I should go about flirting with Dude… I just lost interest. “And then you gotta flick your hair, to the left. LEFT. And then give eye contact for 7 seconds. And then accidentally-on-purpose graze his knee with your hand… Candy are YOU LISTENING tooo meeee???!…”


I’m too busy for this shit.

Plus… the more I think about it… seduction is all very well and fine, but you need an even playing field. A start. A nice clean astro-turf, if you will. I’m not convinced Dude even knows how to find me at this astro-turf. He’s still unfolding the map. (MEN. AND DIRECTIONS.)

I don’t want to have to do a Pythagoras equation just to have to seduce some guy. We’re overpopulated and the world is full of idiots, how can it be so hard to even get this Dude to take me for dinner??

I won’t run, or chase. I’ll step back and see the forest from the trees- flirtation, seduction and the whole tête-à-tête is best enjoyed between two equals who found their way to the field easily.


Awkward Turtle…

Posted in Dating, Fiction, Humor, Lessons, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , on September 4, 2011 by kondeeskaos

So it’s been a looooooong time since I’ve actually liked someone. Sure, I’ve had my interest piqued a few times. Until, A) they’ve divulged their stamp-collecting obsession, B) they’ve voiced their desires to travel to Phuket and have gender reassignment surgery or C) all of the above.

I’m not so much the desperado type. I’m so busy that I’d seriously consider cloning myself, and I’m happy being single. Really happy. Luckily that comes in very handy- especially after meeting someone you really like who turns out to be…… rather odd.

So I’d kinda liked Slow Boy for while. Friends of friends… so they could vouch. Civilised, well-travelled, intelligent, successful, passionate, attractive, funny, cultured. Seeing each other out confirmed that he was quite lovely, charming, entertaining and had fabulous shoes (giant plus).

I’m not really all about the grand gestures anymore. Especially when it comes to telling a dude I like him. I’m old school. Let the dude do the driving. It’s just the way it’s meant to be. I figure that friendliness, manners and attentive conversation give the green light. Eyelash batting works too.

Imagine the irony. Slow Boy and I talking ad nauseam about manners. Old school chivalry, preserving one’s honour and being mature and decent and proper. I could hardly finish my deeply relieved sigh when, I caught my breath. And then lost it again in shock. Slow Boy and I made plans to meet each other out with friends. Clearly between the last message and the time I actually arrived, about 700 beers must’ve been consumed. There really can’t be any other logical explanation for what I saw:

Slow Boy. Young woman. A french kiss so vigorous I’m sure they had whiplash the next day.

Wait… “french kiss” is wayyyy to sophisticated a term for what it was. It was more like “Man Eating Young Woman’s Tonsil to Stopwatch”.

I don’t think I could’ve been more disappointed (and surprised) if he’d been wearing a patchwork leather jacket and white pleather shoes.