“Please. Please can I just touch it for a while?” He pleaded.
“No! I don’t even know you!” I reply.
“Ok. I’ll give you MY foot first to make it a fair exchange.”
Before I knew it, this 6.2ft man had his Paul Smith-clad foot in my hand. I had no option but to marvel at his chutzpah.
I slipped my shoe off. I can safely assume he liked my foot. He grabbed my face and kissed me.
(Note: my nail polish was called “My Chihuahua Bites”. True story.)
Hours of chatting later and I find out this crazy, lovely, sexy man is Jewish. “What! I had no idea!” I exclaimed….He wasn’t wearing a yarmulke and he wasn’t naked so I couldn’t exactly tell.
“Well that’s terrible, don’t you know all Jewish men are intelligent, funny, successful, direct??” He says.
I have dated a Jewish guy before, sure. He wasn’t a very nice person, and sadly he lived up to a lot of the unfortunate, negative preconceptions us Gentiles have. I certainly didn’t stick around to glean any knowledge over a bowl of matzo ball soup.
“Will your mama like me?” I ask. “I already own a lot of leopard print and jewellery. I used to be a chef. And! I platz for kosher wine” I offer.
“My mother will love you. She’s gay.” He replies.
Great, halfway there, I think.
“You’d have to stop eating bacon.”
WHAT? Mon dieu, no ways, no such thing would be possible.
“Also, Judaism requires a high level of admin. You’d need to free up a lot of your time for me.”
Erm. Nope. I have enough of a hard time remembering to schedule dentist appointments. If its between work, gym, partying, reading, catnaps and Facebook- maybe. If you’re lucky.
So far, so mazel tov.
We speak about religion a lot and love it. Mainly because my ignorance is endearing to him, and he loves to educate me on the generalisations.
In fact, today’s text message:
“Babe did you know one of the biggest fallacies about Jewish men is that we’re stingy and materialistic? Not so. We only strive for financial success because we’re insecure about our circumcision and we’re trying to save up enough money to buy back from the mohel what we lost.”
(Yes, I had to Google “mohel” too.)